The Fights in My Head

Sorry I’ve been a little MIA. If I’m being brutally honest, I’ve seriously been struggling. It’s not the 3 kids in 3 years, it’s not the podcast, and it’s not the recent unknowns surrounding relationships and health… it’s me.

If I could use one word to describe my lifestyle — the way it’s always been — I’d say busy. In every phase of my life, I intentionally spread myself so thin. I said yes to everything and took advantage of every hour of the day. I love living life in the fast lane.

Now that I’m a mom, I’ve had to slow down. For the first time in my life, how I spend my days is purely dependent on my self-discipline, with zero obligations or deadlines holding me accountable.

Let’s just say… it’s not going well.

I don’t feel like myself. As an athlete, I always measured myself by my accomplishments, but there are no medals in motherhood. My self-worth was determined by my achievements, and now I can’t even get the dishes done.

I truly felt like a warrior for the Lord.

But now, I lose to the battles in my head every day.

A couple weeks ago, I was doing research on ADHD, trying to learn how to best parent my daughter, Nelly, when it suddenly clicked for me…

Maybe I have ADHD???

I changed my research from “how to parent someone with ADHD” to “how to be a parent with ADHD.” What I found has been so freeing.

I’m not lazy.
I’m not failing everyone around me.
I’m not defined by the things I struggle with.
I’m not worthless.

I have ADHD.

And after a quick look at my family medical history, I’m honestly not sure how I’m just now realizing this. So when I asked my husband if he thought I might have it… HE THOUGHT I ALREADY KNEW?!?!?!

Jeez. Why did no one tell me it was so obvious?

But it makes total sense. I’ve always been so busy that the adrenaline of my schedule masked the symptoms. Sure, I’ve always had quirky habits that people overlooked because it never completely consumed me like it does now that I’m living a slower life.

So now that I’ve emerged from the shadows of my couch, I’m working with a naturopath and starting a few supplements that will hopefully quiet the noise in my head that’s been stealing my joy.

ADHD is so complex. It’s so much more than not being able to sit still.

It’s easy to say things like, “Just do it,” or, “You’re in control of how you feel.”

It’s one of those things you don’t fully understand until you experience it yourself.

I don’t exactly have a happy ending or a pretty little bow to put at the end of this story.

But I do have hope and direction.

And most importantly, I have a Savior.

A serious thank you to a few special people who heard my cries for help when even I wasn’t sure what I needed. You have been heaven-sent for me.

Love,
Daisy